Thanksgiving Thoughts on "Thank You" and Friendship

A nice fall picture of a park on Sveti duh, Zagreb

"Thank you" is such an important staple of American culture that you probably don't realize how much you say it. Whether we're in the checkout line in a store, or at an interview, or just getting to know someone, chances are we will try to find a spot to get a "thank you" in. This is the go-to phrase for putting our best foot forward. 

I was just watching a youtube clip in which a fairly well-known actor was shuttled to an exclusive airport lounge before being chauffeured to the plane on the tarmac. One of the comments was how great a person he was because he thanked all the people along the way. 

If you're an American, this is a very normal comment expressing a well-known value throughout our culture. But there was something about it that shocked me a bit. 

What this comment reveals is how strongly a simple "thank you" can affect how people judge each other. In this case, this celebrity's character, at least to the person who commented, is shown entirely by the two words that come out of his mouth at every stop. 

I don't think it's an exaggeration to suggest that if someone forgets to express their gratefulness for a cafe late at Starbucks or a "welcome to our home!", the barista or host would be offended, and in turn, perhaps think less of their guest. 

"Thank you" is a highly valued common courtesy I figured was universal. 

Until I got to Croatia. 

Now, don't get me wrong. "Hvala" (thank you) is used often here too. But it's neither as ubiquitous nor as universal as it is in the U.S. because "hvala" in Croatia is better shown than said. 

I realized this a few years ago when a friend of mine actually got angry with me when I kept saying "hvala!". He had helped me out of a tough situation when he went out of his way to bring me a key I had forgotten. After I thanked him profusely, he stopped and practically yelled at me; "Aren't we friends?!?"

In other words, friends don't say "thank you". They simply help whenever they can, knowing that friendship speaks for itself.

I had felt desparate, knowing if I couldn't get the key I was looking for, a lot of plans would be affected. My friend, after getting my phone call, got out of bed earlier than he had planned on a holiday and drove accross town to bring me the key. And he didn't expect anything in return. Because we're friends. 

My take-away isn't so much that I shouldn't have said "thank you". I would still do so in that situation - as would many Croatians. Rather it's the unwritten rule of friendship that friends help friends out of difficult situations. In fact, that's one of the key aspects of friendship in Croatia (and the wider cultural area). Friendship is not primarily about having the same interests or cheering for the same team. It's about sacrificing youself, sometimes at a moment's notice, for your friend. It's about being available to talk, or drive, or pay, or offering your apartment to sleep in, if needed. And you don't do it in order to prove yourself or gain appreciation. You do it because you're a friend. 

This is the positive side of (not saying) thank you in Croatia.

But I'm not here to simply say we should all become more Croatian. Rather, I want to acknowledge the fact that there is a lot of good in saying "thank you!" over and over and over again. 

Because there is so much to be thankful for. Using the words "thank you" reminds us that someone else is contributing to our well-being. If Americans can be faulted for being selfish (and there are those in other parts of the world who would make that claim), our sometimes exaggerated tendency to say "thank you" would be a counter-argument. "Thank you" is proof that there is a deeply held tradition of recognizing someone else's effort or sacrifice or good deed. 

As an American who has lived outside of the U.S. for more than 15 years, I believe Thanksgiving is the best tradition Americans have to offer. It is a genuine call to pause....ponder...and praise. For those of us who believe that all good gifts come from above, we ultimately acknowledge the Source of life, salvation and all human flourishing. I am thankful for the tradition my parents handed down to me - one that was handed down to them and mirrored the families around them. 

Furthermore, I believe it is right and good to have a holiday that the Church informally, and culture officially, acknowledges for giving thanks. It is such an essential part of the human experience to deeply consider the fact that we indeed are so indebted to many who have gone before us. 

But I also believe that the Croatian understanding of deep friendship should be a model for how we express our thankfulness. Gratitude is not simply about saying "thank you". It's about showing thank you. 

Whether you are celebrating Thanksgving in the United States or it's just an ordinary četvrtak in Croatia, may this be a reminder to think about all we have. May the thought of how others have impacted your life fill you with thanksgiving and joy. And regardless of where we live, may we be prompted to show our thankfulness through close, sometimes sacrificial, friendship. 

Happy Thanksgiving!